7plus Years
by DragonflySerenade
Summary: Two-shot. Part 1: Beca journals in her laptop since she has never been one to physically write down her thoughts. Part 2: Chloe happens upon Beca's latest journaling
1. Beca's Entry

Alone with my thoughts

I spent 2,500 days, more or less most likely more, believing I loved Jesse. Not that it was a bad thing because it really wasn't because it saved me making dumb decisions. But now I'm at this age where I should be in a meaningful relationship and just thinking about him and how it seems like I wasted so much time over thinking I loved him. I remember being bombarded almost daily by classmates about whether he and I were an item and I just figured if everyone saw it that way then I must have some feelings past platonic for him. How juvenile of me. I let our peers choose who I was to love. And I can't believe I let that rule me for 7+ years. I did love him, but it was never romantically. I really did try to though and always just chalked it up to being young and not truly knowing what loving someone was. I questioned myself several times over the years if these feelings were true and probably why I never sought out the courage to ask him out on a date. Would things be different if we did date? I don't believe so. I was never jealous of the people he did date nor did I ever feel my heart swell because of him. So here I am almost 26 years old now and contemplating my love life. I thought long and hard the other day and came upon realization that I don't think I ever experienced a first love or heck even a crush. Sure I had my share of relationships, if that's what you want to call them, but none ever lasted more than a week and I usually just dated the individual simply because they initiated contact with me. So again here I am almost 26 years old and wondering if I was ever normal. I compare myself to my close knit ragtag group of friends and I am an alien. I have always done things differently and my way of thinking never flowed with the rest.

Here I am living with my other best friend and not sure where my feelings stand. As of this moment I repeating history and I'm wondering if I love her platonically or romantically. I need to figure this out soon; I don't want to waste another 7+ years. She makes me happy even without doing anything. I never felt so comfortable around anyone else. But for now I need to push those thoughts to the side and deal with what I need to do with my Jesse situation right now. I need to let him go. I've needed to let him go ages ago and never had the guts to do so, but I can no longer do that. I've held him at such a high place in my life and I want to move on without any hindrances. So I'm stuck here writing out a letter for him hoping not to sound harsh and also that he'll understand where I'm coming from. This is for the best. So here goes.

The Letter

 _My fondest memory of you was this one seemingly normal day back in elementary. I don't remember what grade we were, but that single day was a life shifting moment for me and I didn't even know it at the time. I remember it as if it all just happened yesterday and it will always hold a special place in my heart. It was a very sunny day and we were running around with our friends as we always did. We were having a great time and then you came up with a game that made that day even better. You got ahold of our attention and made us take notice of our shadows that were stretched out to almost the same size of us. We started making shadow puppets with our hands, but doing that wasn't enough for you. No you wanted to make a whole story with just our shadows. As you proceeded to dish out our roles and deeming yourself a prince being the only male my imagination started to be activated. I saw the castle walls form, I saw the drawbridge fall, and I saw you the prince on the lookout tower. We ran around again like usual, but this time I swear I truly felt like I was living in that castle. Then once again running around was not enough for you, no since you were prince you had to have a princess. That's when in our shadows you took my hand and leaned over and kissed my cheek. Although it was only our shadows that moment was the moment that shifted my life._

 _Fast forward to middle school and that moment was still my favorite. I loved it so much that I mentally nicknamed you "my Shadow Prince." Yes at that time I used "my" because I was possessive and you were special. Throughout sixth and seventh grade I pondered why you were so special to me. I always just figured it was because I knew you so long and saw you all the time. But then came eighth grade and my feelings where in a whirlwind. I wasn't completely sure if these feelings toward you were truly just friendly. Then came the questions from every direction it seemed. "Are you and Jesse dating?" "What? No." I would reply. But they continued to nag "then why are you two always together and I've seen you hold hands." "We're best friends nothing more" I claimed. Those questions got to me and while I would be lost wondering about it during lunch you would grab my hand and drag me off to the drink machines. Most of the time you didn't let go of my hand and as soon as you got your drink you would drag me back to our friends. So then one day that same routine happened, I was thinking and then you dragged me off. I let go of your hand that day and decided I needed to figure things out and started to avoid being dragged off. It took me about a week to tell myself that I liked you as more than a friend. Never did I act on those feeling though. And not because I thought you would reject me I just didn't know I was supposed to._

 _Now we're in high school and I've come to terms with my idea that I liked you, but I didn't focus on those emotions. Nope instead I realized you were different from the kid I knew in elementary and middle school. It felt like one day all you talked about was liking girls and the next day you now liked boys as well. I was confused. I didn't even know about homosexuality till eighth grade when you started hanging out more with Tiff. When others called you gay I honestly didn't fully understand it. I figured it was an adult thing. So now that we were in high school I felt like I was lagging behind everyone in the growing phase of our lives. I still figured I liked you and maybe it had moved on to love. And then I still did not act on these feelings. Around sophomore year I really started to take notice of the change you've made and no longer felt as close to you as before. You were going one direction while I was going in the opposite. You started to hang out more with people I didn't care to associate myself with, but did if you introduced me to them. I wanted to keep you happy. There were times were I felt like we were back in elementary. Things were simple. But those times were becoming fewer and further apart. I understood though 'cause we were growing up and change is bound to happen. We were growing apart. But still I wanted to keep you happy so I put in my best effort to fit in when I could. Truth be told I never cared to do the whole alcohol scene, but I did it anyways to be able to spend time with you. You were my best friend so of course I would do anything for you. I didn't mind, I was happy if you were._

 _After high school I still believed I loved you as more than a friend, but it never did sit right with me. I then decided to put my feelings aside and mess around and I don't mean sexually. What I mean was that I entertained Tiff and Kats advances. With Tiff it was only like a week or so and mainly it was just texts even though she was with Julie. And pretty much the same happened with Kat except the few make-out sessions included. These days though I kind of regret leading them on when I knew acting that way was not me. I had chalked it up my actions to me loving you and it wasn't till I was in Barden did I realize some things._

 _I went through some changes while I was there. I found some friends, but never really hung out much with them 'cause I longed to be in LA. I had your pictures in my dorm and my roommate asked me who you were and I told her how amazing you were. She then proceeded to ask me if I loved you and that got me thinking about my feelings again. I sat back and thought "do I still love him?" "why do I love him?" "are you sure you love him?" I questioned everything, but then I sat down and really thought about it and came to the conclusion that no I never did love you. I mean I did love you just never in the romantic sense. You were like my brother, but better cause you were my bestie. I had made others accusations rule over my emotions and it wasn't so bad. I had always wondered why I never really felt jealous when you were dating someone or never felt my heart swell when I was around you, but now I knew why._

 _You are one of the best things that I have gained in my life. I am forever grateful for the journey we took together. But now as we get older we are growing apart more than ever before. We are not as close as we could be and that's okay because we all go through seasons. And the season of me and you being best friends is just coming to an end. Me letting you go is not because I hate you, but its time I take you down from the throne I put you on and move forward in my life. You must do the same and that's all right. You may no longer hold the best friend title for me, but always and forever will you be My Shadow Prince that brought joy into my life when I needed you most. And yes I'm still using "my" not because I'm possessive still but mainly because I honestly think I am the only one that sees you as "shadow prince." I'll love you always and forever will you have a part of my heart and I'm perfectly fine with you keeping it. You are amazing beyond words and I hope you are happy wherever life leads you._

 _-Beca_

Penny for my thoughts

I'm at peace now. I've known my feelings towards Jesse for a while now, but actually writing that letter has put me at ease. Now, what to do with Chlo?! I have willingly let her into my world and see how truly broken I am. She is the only person who knows about my thoughts involving Jesse and the shenanigans I've pursued. I can tell she cares for me, but something on the inside longs for that care to be deeper than just being my best friend. When I was younger I wrote poems and now reading them I must say man was I really emotional as a teen, but one of the many poems I've written really speaks to me now.

 _No Promises_

 _Standing forever in the background of your life_

 _Oh how you put my heart in much strife._

 _You give me a smile and oh how I wish you were mine_

 _But I'll take anything just to be with you even just friends is fine._

 _Just hearing you talk sends my heart into a flutter_

 _And when I respond all I can do is st-stutter._

 _The mere thought of you can bring me to my knees_

 _Oh why'd you have to become my disease!_

 _Slowly killing me on the inside to know you'll never know_

 _Of the pain I'm going through but won't ever let show._

 _A simple look into my eyes_

 _And you'll see the desire my heart cries!_

 _But never will you take the time_

 _To even listen to this rhyme._

 _So I'll look upon your face seeing that it holds no promises_

 _But soft is the beauty about which has brought me to this heart felt crisis!_

I'm thinking I might just be in love with her. I'm scared of this fact. Not because she's my best friend, but because I'm not sure about my sexuality. I've been pursued by both sexes and normally only entertained a few of the girls. I'm really not sure why I did that. I'm not scared of guys, but there's always this inner pull I get from the girls. Am I gay or am I bisexual? I've kissed both genders, but I honestly don't remember how they felt seeing as I was seeking something special. What am I to do?! I don't want to pursue anything with Chloe till I have this sexuality issue figured out. But at the same time I just want to forego the labels and just be. But I don't want to be questioned about my uncertainty. GAH! Why does this have to be so hard?!

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The poem is my personal writing.


	2. Confessions

Beca had been journaling for the past 2 hours. It was 2am when she started, but she just needed to write at that moment. If she didn't do it right then she felt like she would lose her courage to face the issue and end up acting like it never existed and forever be stuck in her situation. She needed to write it down now, so when she would reread it multiple times later that same day she would maybe take action. It was nearing 4am and her jumbled typing of her thoughts was starting to slow as her mind was becoming clouded with sleep deprivation. Every few seconds her eyelids would slowly close and take another few seconds to open back up before she shook her head trying to will her sleep away. She fought the losing battle for a good 30 minutes before deciding to leave her desk and slip under her covers. Being extremely drowsy she didn't think of closing word as her playlist on youtube playing in the backgroud kept her laptop on. It was with that incident Beca would realize years later that was another life shifting moment.

 _6 hours later_

Beca awoke with Charlie Puth's- We don't talk Anymore easing her out of her sleep. She started to chuckle at the irony of this song playing as her early morning journaling escapade floated back into her memory. It was this exact song that even got her thoughts running and the rest was history as her fingers flew across her keyboard in the wee hours of morning. Slowly rising from her bed and stretching as much as her body would allow she stalked over to her desk. Before reading her entry she decided to save her progress. She reread the journal at least three times and doing slight editing to make her thoughts more clear so when she reread it later it would make more sense. This was her process. Being satisfied with what she had written not adding more she proceeded to password lock the entry before closing the program. She felt happy having written down her thoughts that usually consumed her before she forced herself to sleep. Most people thought she used music as her only outlet, but on rare occasions journaling was more satisfying than mixing. Of course she did not indulge this information to others seeing as having this one secret was her guilty pleasure.

After all signs of sleep faded away from the DJ as she went through her morning routine, she decided it was time to get her some nutrition. Upon descending the staircase she took note of her redheaded roomie with a very concentrated look on her face and became concerned. She quickly decided to first get herself as she referred to it as "heaven in a cup" before seating herself next to the girl on their couch.

Beca: Hey Red!

No response.

Beca: (leaning forward and waving her hand in front of Chloe's face) Hey there Space Cadet, wanna come back to Earth? (Giggling lowly)

Chloe: (jumping at the intrusion and placing her hand over her heart) Oh shit Bec, when did you get here?!

Beca: Just now (lopsided grin) What's got you lost in space Chlo?

Chloe: oh…..(barely audible) it's nothing (avoiding Beca's gaze)

Beca: (speaking softly) Like I believe that Beale. Come on now you know you can talk to me about anything, right?

Chloe: (locking her eyes with Beca's) Of course. I…I…promise you won't get mad? (Whispering and now looking away)

Beca: I promise (extending her pinky out for Chloe to know she was serious)

Chloe: (Chuckling at Beca's childlike nature with her pinky promise before locking pinky's with the girl) And to let me finish talking before you say anything?

Beca nodded her head before lifting her thumb to Chloe's to seal the deal.

Chloe: (releasing a breath before looking into Beca's eyes) I know how much you treasure your privacy and I didn't mean to invade. It's just curiosity got the best of me (at this time Beca cocked her head to the side clearly confused about what Chloe was talking about) So this morning around 9 I was up thinking about breakfast when I noticed you weren't out of your room yet I decided I would go check if you wanted to accompany me to grab brunch at Vinny's. Well anyways when I entered your room I noticed you were obviously still in dreamland, but then I noticed that your computer was playing music and that you had word open. (Beca now realizing where Chloe was going visibly swallowed wanting to bolt, but staying immobile willing herself to keep her promise to let Chloe finish talking) At first I didn't mean to read anything, I was just going to close your laptop thinking you accidently left it open. But then I saw my name. And before I noticed what I did I had already scrolled to the top of the page and was now sitting at your desk. I tried to tell myself to just walk back out your room, but I just needed to know why my name was there so I ended up reading what you wrote. I'm so sorry for betraying your trust Becs (breaking her gaze with Beca and now staring at her finger trying to keep her tears at bay) I know you pinky promised to not get mad, but I know I deserve it and….and I'll do anything you want me to do. I really am sorry. (Biting her lip now glancing every few seconds toward Beca waiting for her response)

After 5 minutes

Beca: (whispering more to herself but loud enough for Chloe to hear) I'm not mad.

Chloe: (whipping her head to face Beca but still having difficulty keeping eye contact) you're not?

Beca: No. (Giving a slight smile) Just a little upset.

Chloe: oh…I really am sorry. You probably want your space now, I…I'll just go now (slowly getting up)

Beca: (realizing Chloe misunderstood her statement she grabbed her wrist) Wait Chloe that's not what I meant.

Chloe now cocked her head with a questioning look

Beca: (lifting her other hand and sticking out her pinky and with a shy smile) Let me explain myself?

Noticing the small smile on Beca's face Chloe locked her pinky and nodded and settled herself back on the couch facing Beca.

Beca: (taking a deep breath before speaking) I'm not mad. I'm actually a bit glad you read that. I had actually planned on talking to you about what I wrote so you reading it made it easier for me.

Chloe: Then why are you upset?

Beca: Cause now you know I journal and it just so happens you also found out I used to write some corny poems when I was younger.

Chloe: Corny?! I actually thought it was a very touching poem. Did you write if for Jesse?

Beca: Um not really… (Rubbing her neck)It was actually for this girl I used to talk to and we had some serious talks and I just thought I liked her. It was around that time I started questioning myself about the feelings for Jesse. I wrote it thinking of her, but when I read it over I realized I actually didn't like her in that sense and that I was simply portraying what I thought unrequited love felt like. I never felt my heart swell with her nor did I feel anything when she kissed me during a game of spin-the-bottle.

Chloe: Oh…aww Becs you're such a hopeless romantic

Beca: No I'm not. (Mumbling with a defeated tone)

Chloe: You so are. I mean you wrote it yourself that you're waiting for something special and you write poetry.

Beca: I used to write poetry.

Chloe: You don't anymore? Why not?

Beca: I stopped in high school. I just never felt inspired to write anymore and it was also around that time I picked up DJing.

Chloe: Can I read some of your other poems?

Beca: I guess so since you already know about them. But I think we've avoided it long enough now. We need to talk about the last part of my journal.

Chloe: There's nothing to talk about.

Beca: But I wrote that I think I'm love with you.

Chloe: I know. I'm in love with you Becs, have been for couple years now. But you also wrote you don't want to pursue things with me until you have things figured out and I can respect that. Take your time I'm not going anywhere, I haven't yet.

Beca: Really?!

Chloe: Yes, you're worth waiting for. (Flashing a shy smile as her cheeks started to tinge red)

Beca leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on Chloe's lip before whispering "Thank You"

A week passed since that talk and the whole time Beca couldn't keep Chloe out of her mind. She could still feel the electricity on her lips from when she kissed Chloe. The moment that happen her heart swelled and she instantly knew Chloe was the something special she had been waiting for her whole life. She wanted to just jump the gun when it happened, but she also knew Chloe did want her to think it through. So that is why it is a week later and Beca is now formulating a plan to let Chloe know. She didn't care to put a label on her sexuality all she wanted to be labeled as was "Chloe's." So here we are now. Just like a week ago Beca was descending the stairs and saw the love her life sitting on their couch lost in thought.

Beca: Hey Red.

Again no response

Beca: (chuckling at the déjà vu moment and started to lean in but instead of waving her hand at Chloe she placed a kiss on her cheek) Care to join me here on Earth? (Smiling so lovingly at Chloe she had a twinkle in her eye)

Chloe: oh… (Realizing what Beca had just done she reached a hand to her cheek as a small smile played at her lips) Hi to you too.

Beca: So remember how I told you I'd let you read some of my poems.

Chloe: uh…huh

Beca: Well I have one I want you to read (passing a paper she had written down the poem on over to Chloe)

 _You_

 _I don't know how and I don't know why_

 _But I do know I fell for you._

 _I didn't notice the things I did_

 _But I did notice it was all for you._

 _I can't comprehend what exactly my mind is thinking_

 _But I know its thinking of you._

 _You, that's what my world revolves around_

 _And I don't know what to do about it._

 _You send me into a whirlwind of emotions_

 _And I don't know how to get out of it._

 _You have become my every thought_

 _And I just want control of it._

 _I want my life and thoughts back_

 _But most of all I just want you._

Chloe: (Smiling broadly) does this mean what I think this means?

Beca simply nodded her head and the next moment Chloe was in her arms and pulling her into a kiss full of love. After a bit the pair separated and leaned their foreheads against each other staring deeply into the others soul. Beca whispered "You are my something special" before placing a kiss on Chloe's forehead and embracing her love; no longer needing words for this life altering moment.

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The poem in this one is once a again a personal writing of mine.


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